Most of us would answer, “Of course.”
But what do we mean by value?
Is valuing someone the same as respecting them? Is it the same as protecting them? Is it the same as needing them? Is it the same as finding them useful?
Women have often been valued for being attractive, nurturing, supportive, useful and accommodating. Men have often been valued for being successful, strong, capable, financially productive and dependable. Both can discover that when the role disappears, they aren’t quite sure what is left.
Retirement, widowhood, children leaving home, illness, redundancy or simply ageing can strip away roles that have provided identity for decades.
If valuing means listening to ideas, encouraging their ambitions, trusting their judgement, and recognising them as individuals rather than by the roles they perform, how well does our own society measure up?
Has this changed during your lifetime? Are things better today than they were in the 70s or are people just more careful about what they say and do? Have you experienced it personally? Do men and women face different versions of the same problem — being valued more for what we do than for who we are?
There may not be a single right answer. But there are many thoughtful ones.
Too often we want to mold our partner to our idea of what they should be. When last did you ask your spouse or partner what they wanted from life and how you could both go about achieving it? When last did you ask a personal question about how your partner feels, what matters to them, how they want to spend their leisure time, and then listened to the answer? Often we grow used to the other person and the role they play and we take them for granted. We assume that what we want is what they want, or aught to want. Retirement should be a time of reassessment and reconnection, but too often we take the other person for granted and stop listening to the message behind the words. Until it is too late.
What do you think?
Thoughts, corrections, comments or your own cheap-and-cheerful tip? Send it to AJ@duck.com — we’d love to hear from you.
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Sample email
To: AJ@duck.com
Subject: Are women values?
Dear AJ
My husband bought me flowers every week. I felt valued.
Johana Ostrich, Vernoeg